I feel crashed, utterly felled, fallen into a deep dark hole by the decision to send Damien back. What’s most painful is seeing how I do have the skills to work with him and befriend him, what I don’t have is the ability to keep my life going while helping him. I thought I would be able to go on with some projects, dealing with checking accounts, finishing the booklet Pleiades, when the ink came. Well it came today, and I can’t do anything. All I can do is read books that are easy enough to keep my attention. I think that the gift that Damien gave me was being able to see how very difficult it is to keep any kind of a normal life going for myself. I need the help of Jane and Lana, I need more support than my friends can give me, just to get through the day. When something extra knocks me down, I completely collapse for a while. Eventually I pull myself together and go on. I’m usually very angry at myself that I can’t do it faster. I see how badly Damien has been damaged by a neglectful and abusive puppyhood. Neglect and abuse have pretty much robbed me of any kind of “normal” life. Unlike Damien I have friends, medication and therapy. Looking at the reality of my life, it seems amazing that I did anything at all. But I wrote a book, taught astronomy, was part of Journey into Courage, built and supported Neskaya. Those are astonishing achievements given what I was up against. Now I’m getting older, I have less energy, just getting through the day is getting harder. I’m not going to be able to do anything more with my life, not even rescue a dog. All I can do is keep getting through each day as best I can, and continuing my healing work.
Recently I fully accepted the knowledge that I am a good person. It gave me a foundation, a place to stand. I’ve lost that. When I fell apart last week, it was like the floor had been whipped out from under me. This thing with Damien has left me feeling like an utter failure. Shall I laugh or cry? Just a few sentences ago I was writing about my amazing achievements. But I’m seeing them from the bottom of the floor of the deep well that I periodically fall into. Both things are true of my life.
Instead of trying to rescue a dog with PTSD, I’m wondering about getting a dog trained to help people with PTSD. I saw a very moving video about a veteran and his dog. Imagining doing something that wonderful for myself is very difficult.