Last Friday everything fell apart. I was heading for the dump when my car lost power. It looks like it’s the transmission again. Paul O’Hara, whose driveway I was blocking, gave me a ride home. I called AAA and cried the whole time — I asked her if she often talked to upset people — “O yes” she said very gently. This looks like the end of my long run of feeling good.
Matt Fox: “The journey Hildegard is celebrating is no puny journey. Our lives are not trivial. They are great and demanding adventures, powerful challenges.” Illuminations of Hildegard of Bingen, p84
On Saturday I figured out why the transmission broke. I was trying to do too much. Going to Midsummer Night’s Dream in Plainfield (an hour’s trip) was not a good idea just before I would be facilitating a day-long workshop. I cried a lot yesterday, but once I figured out the reason, I was OK. Stopped being upset, just accepted it and went on to the next thing.
So right now it feels like I’m starting over, starting something new. O gosh, I’m feeling some love for and from the Universe that just stopped me in my tracks. This is SO DIFFERENT! It’s probably going to cost a lot to fix and I DON’T CARE! Not because I have lots of money, which I don’t, but because I’m no longer worried about it.
Last fall I had been working with an online line course that asked me if I felt supported by the universe. Not a concept that I’ve thought of that way. So I looked at the “real” universe, the one I know from studying astronomy, and saw that of course it wanted what’s best for me. I posted that in December.
Recently, reminded by a friend, I went to the Astronomy Picture of the Day page, and discovered the archive. I started wandering down it mostly checking out pictures of galaxies, and other things that looked interesting. There is so much that is so unbelievably beautiful. It strengthened my sense of the universe as a really positive place, and that somehow became feeling supported by having my car die because I was trying to do too much. It hasn’t gone away either. I’m still feeling happy, feeling held in the field of a huge being who loves me and wants what’s best for me. And I’m just amazed!