(Written in December 2008)
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I just want to die.
Dear Jenny, you don’t want to die, you want a life that works. You want friends, spiritual friends, a sangha. You want to be reassured that there are people who love you. You want colleagues with whom you can enthusiastically co-create things. You want to feel part of a larger movement that is helping to make the world a better place.
Yes, that’s what I want. And I don’t begin to have an idea of how I might get there.
I was remembering the time when Rose Marie flew from NYC to Burlington, rented a car, drove to our house, and did some intense work on me. She could tell I was in trouble and she thought I was valuable enough to make the effort. I wish there was somebody to do that for me now.
Well, I don’t feel that my life has been totally wasted, I do think I have done some good. And I did create Neskaya and that has made possible some very good things. I hope it will continue to flourish after I’m gone. Right now, I don’t feel like I’m doing much good for anybody. Bella’s clearly worried about me, I’m not being much of a support to K and L. I can’t feel any support coming from them either, though that may be just my disfunctional expectation and my armored heart. The people who do seem to love me, Cathy Jay and Beverly Decker, are far away and don’t see me when I’m like this.