(Written in May 2004)
Struggle with belief: If I don’t do what someone wants, then I don’t care about her. Mother drilled this belief into me. So when my caring for someone and my need for autonomy* are in conflict — I withdraw from the caring. I make myself believe that I “don’t care” and then my heart is torn because I really do care and am unable to validate myself. “Don’t care” is a strategy to try to deal with the pain of caring about something and not being able to do anything about it. And it doesn’t work because it leaves my heart torn in two and squeezed out of existence because it invalidates my real caring. I always chose for my autonomy, because I couldn’t make myself be different — but I made myself wrong for being different and invalidated my very real caring.
*Added later: It’s not really a need for autonomy, it’s a need to take care of myself, not a need to have my own way.
… I simply haven’t got what it takes to finish this project. I’m still running on fumes. I have no reserves.
And I’m very angry at myself for not managing better, for getting so upset about the damn dog, for being so sensitive, so exhausted, so easily discouraged. Why can’t I be more robust, more graceful?
Reading Elizabeth Lesser “Broken Open” and finding it helpful: “Bozos on the bus: We are all half-baked experiments — mistake prone beings, born without an instruction booklet into a complex world.” p28
“… The Buddha statue… His expression was so kind, as if he was saying “There, there. Come. Sit and rest. You don’t have to try so hard. You don’t have to rush anything. Take a seat and see what happens.”” p 249
Dear Spirits, I’m pretty burnt out & I’m going to Kripalu for a week hoping to fill the reserves. I’m having a really bad time with the dog next door, I’m trying to let go of the house where results are concerned, and I’m in conflict about the land next door that’s for sale. I really need help! And feeling very lost in my relationships with K and L. Please help me!
Dear Jenny, relax. Take your time. Nothing is as urgent as your fears make it. It’s good that you are going to Kripalu. Meditation, yoga, and food will all help you fill the well. Take your visual journal and draw every day. Practice mindfulness. The practice of being in the present moment is the one that will help you most. Also bringing compassion to yourself when you are in trouble as you did yesterday. There, there, dear. We are so sorry that self-rejection is such a conditioned response for you when things go wrong. It’s all you know how to do, what you learned from infancy, and it’s so deep that you are barely aware of it. You are having to deduce it from how hopeless and miserable you feel when the dog barks. The practice of bringing compassion to yourself at every moment will help. Dear Jenny, we love you. We see you judge yourself as weak and a failure, and reject yourself, and we just have enormous compassion for that little girl who is trying so hard, who has such high standards, and who doesn’t know any other way to be with herself. We love her, right in the middle of her self-induced misery and we reach out to comfort her, hoping to help her feel safe enough to soften. There, there, dear. We love you