Guidance

Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling pretty bleak.  Tears behind my eyes, my heart cold and heavy.  Please help me!
    Dear Jenny, we love you very much.  We are sorry that it’s being so hard right now.  You WILL come out of this, you always have before.  Keep asking for help, it’s important that you do it.
I open Pema Chodron to this: “it starts with being willing to feel what we are going through.  It starts with being willing to have a compassionate relationship with the parts of ourselves that we feel are not worthy of existing on the planet.  If we are willing … to be mindful … of what pain feels like, if we even ASPIRE to stay awake and open to what we’re feeling, to recognize and acknowledge it as best we can in each moment, then something begins to change.”  When Things Fall Apart, p 84
Well, of course I’m angry at myself for being depressed again again.  Yes, that must be what it is.  I can feel my anger squeezing my heart.  Can I bring compassion to my anger?  Can I “soften around” it?  No, because I am SO ANGRY with myself.  I bring up the picture of Little Jenny.  Is that who you are angry at?  She’s doing the best she can.  Everything softens and the tears come.  There there, Little One.  You are doing the very best you can and it’s not good enough.  Accept, accept.
    Dear Jenny, it’s not that you are some kind of wimp that you can’t just bring yourself out of depression.  PTSD is a gnarled, twisted, tight package of energy and its claws go deep into your nervous system.  People drink and take drugs and hurt others so as not to feel this pain.
My heart is a lump of ice.  I’m holding it gently.  I feel like Mary, holding the broken body of her son on her lap.