(Written in October 2006)
Eleanor got mad at me yesterday. She thinks I’m depressed and should be raising my medication. I said I was upset because I printed out stuff calling for political action and nobody cares enough to do anything. She said they’re all overwhelmed and need Neskaya to be a sanctuary. That was hard to hear — I’m afraid it’s probably true and that’s painful because 1) I’m not doing my proper work of keeping Neskaya as a sanctuary and 2) if everybody is overwhelmed — then there’s no one left to save the Earth. I was thinking about the polar bears this morning and how I feel like I’m drowning, floating in a sea of fragments of what is supposed to be a solid floor. My heart hurts, it feels like it is about to burst with pain, but at least I don’t have to hold back from the polar bears — I’m right in there with them, swimming for my life — except that solid land is too far away and we’re all going to drown.
I feel like it’s slap in my face that my job is to take care of Jenny, when I’d rather be in the Peace March (there was one in Concord on Saturday that I’d hoped to go to) — I’d rather be walking up the road with my colorful banner, and you’re telling me that I have to put down my banner and go back and take care of that piece of shit that’s lying in the road.
I feel terrible that Eleanor has been worrying about me when she’s so totally overwhelmed by her life. I see that one thing I can do to help her is to keep my spirits up — I just don’t know how to do that.
Signs of depression: too tired to light a fire
too tired to do yoga
having trouble eating properly
I don’t know what to do. Raising medication is certainly one possibility. That’s what it took last winter. I told Eleanor I would put all the political activity on hold and spend the next month focusing on taking care of the traumatized baby, and see if that helps, and if it doesn’t, then I’ll raise the medication. I wish it didn’t feel like such a defeat. “But you’re defeated now, aren’t you?” said Eleanor and I have to agree. I wish it didn’t take such a long time to work — that would be so much easier – if I could “feel better fast”.
Profoundly bummed out. I did a bunch of things & now I’ve run out of steam. Crashed and burned. Yes, I really am depressed. It doesn’t FEEL like depression, or not like depression used to when it was combined with low thyroid. And I thought I was doing well such a short time ago. But clearly I’m not, clearly I’m losing ground. And I really don’t know what to do about it.