Somatic Experiencing

(Written in May 2009)
Intense session with Caryn.  Set up the corner with the beanbag blocking in a smaller space.  Told her that I’d been working on the loss of healthy sexuality, that I’d read the pages to Karen and cried.  I started crying, the quiet hopeless kind.  Then I wanted to bang my head and pound my knees.  Caryn said I had to get the anger directed outward, imagine turning the arrows outward.  Part of what was hard was there was no one person to aim the anger at.  Caryn mentioned the black cloth, and then I could see a tangle of messages like a snarl of yarns.  I imagined a big shiny Samurai sword, swung it in slow motion over my head and down to chop the beanbag in two.  It felt very satisfying.  I could feel that my whole body was involved.  The movement reminded me of my dance in Journey Into Courage.  There was another piece, I can’t remember if it was before or after the sword.  I was sitting in the corner with my knees up and my lower arms parallel to my thighs.  I think I was exploring whether they wanted to pound my legs, when they began to move back and forth sideways.  It was a little disconcerting, having my body make that big a motion without my volition.  At one point, again I’m not sure of the sequence, I tried to get very small, to disappear.  This involved lots of tension in arms and torso pulling back, head down.  Then I was tired, wanting to put my head down, so I curled up on the beanbag with my back to the room, and Caryn snuggled up close so I could feel her.
I think it was a big session, though I couldn’t say exactly what happened.  I think it was good that I broke through the crying to anger.