(Written in September 2008)
At Neskaya. Having a cup of tea because I’ve been cold all morning. This reminds me of that terrible February when I went to Cincinnati — for a week? I know I wrote “two whole weeks of terror” in my journal. But I can’t imagine that I would have stayed in Cincinnati for two whole weeks. I remember watching “Long Day’s Journey Into Night” on TV and being rivetted by the story of an alcoholic father, drug addicted mother, and the two sons. I remember how it seemed to make visible the dynamics of our family, which weren’t that visible at all. Was that the time? The other one I remember was Night of the Iguana, but whether I saw it as a movie or just read the play I don’t know. “… without a cry, without a prayer, with no betrayal of despair…”
Kayla’s upset about the insurance for Neskaya. I feel chilled and cold. I can’t think of anything we can do, or anyone we can call, and I don’t know anything about the ins & outs of insurance. Even if I weren’t terrified and lost in a baby place I wouldn’t be able to do more than moral support for her. I feel like I can’t even do that right now.
When I picked up the traumatized baby from the garbage can I opened the door to this suffering. I don’t regret doing it. I do worry about my adequacy to keep on going, carrying this much of a burden with too little help. Well, I did sleep last night, and I did manage to make and eat rice and eggs for breakfast. One day at a time.
I was typing up a guidance writing from early August, where they said “You don’t quit.” I’ve been thinking that I have quit but it isn’t true. I’m still doing my best to hold a vision of healing, of compassion, even though I feel so overwhelmed with terror and despair that I can barely function.
I’ve read the 1st 9 Chapters of Waking the Tiger — he describes the frozen fear state. So I’m not the only one who’s ever felt it. Other people have felt it and come through it, healed it, come to a new level of vitality for living. It can be healed.