Asking for Help

(Written in  January 2009)
One thing that has come out of this bad time is I’m starting to ask for help.  After I had been to Kripalu for the meditation retreat, I saw Caryn, and we agreed that it hadn’t been what I needed.  I experienced a level of loneliness with her that I’ve never felt before.  She said “The wound was given in relationship, and it has to be healed in relationship”.  I’ve heard that before, but this time it really sunk in.  It’s been so hard just to get through the day – I was feeling so nauseous that it was hard to cook and eat a meal, and so tired that it was almost impossible to get out with the dog.  I’m now able to cope with the daily necessities.  But it’s just been too hard.  so I started calling people from my dance circle who live here, and asking if I could just come and spend time with them, or if they wanted to go for a walk or out on snowshoes.  People have been wonderful.  It was such a surprise to me that people would be glad to spend time with me.  That tells me the deep unconscious expectation I learned in my family of origin, that I was a nuisance and a burden — in fact I’m sure that was Mom’s response when I was a baby, she simply wasn’t prepared for the 24/7 neediness of a baby and she was all alone with me.