Somatic Experiencing

(Written in December 2009)
Went down to Caryn.  Felt scared on the way down — not sure why — maybe because seeing her hadn’t helped on Monday.  At one point she asked me to look at the me of Monday from outside, and I felt a great wave of compassion — she’s going full speed ahead and full speed reverse at the same time.  When I first got in there & sat in my in my corner I felt a little quiver of fear in my stomach.  As I surrendered to it my body drooped more and more, and it faded.  Then I asked for a cushion/barrier.  It surprises me how I’m able to relax when part of me is hidden.  Caryn sat next to me and I leaned over against her shoulder and put my arm over the barrier to hold her hand.  Then I began to slide down.  She suggested she make a space between her legs and I could sit there and lean against her chest like I do with Karen.  I felt a tiny little bit hesitant but then I wanted to do it.  She had to put a cushion between us “because I’m so bony.” It was very comfortable and I just relaxed more and more, and slid down until she was supporting my head.  I did some tremendous yawns, it surprises me how many muscles I can feel in my jaw.  I felt a lot better when I left and I feel better now after writing about it.  I notice how exquisitely sensitive I am to what people do or say, how easily I can be triggered into fear or depression.  At least I am also beginning to self-regulate.