Somatic Experiencing

(Written in February 2009)
Session with Caryn.  I collapsed onto the floor and stayed there most of the session.  I said that I wanted someone to take care of me 24 hours a day, that I desperately needed to be touched.  She said it was very courageous of me to allow myself to feel those feelings and to speak the truth.  She suggested that I set up a network of friends who would coordinate visits and bring me food, help walk the dog, share cups of tea.  I started writing an email to Janet but haven’t sent it.  I thought of trying to call Judy Brubaker and panicked.  It sounds like a really good idea, but I think my lack of self-worth is getting in the way.
We also worked on trying to find a resource — my butt and legs continue to work pretty well but everything else has fallen away.  I thought of Mama Greene, and told Caryn about my pain that I think I was special to her and never reciprocated adequately because I was afraid of Mom’s jealousy.  I told her about Magee saying “no you were never that way” and how it felt like absolution.  I could feel a little warmth and tenderness in my heart, then it felt raw and vulnerable.  I was able to breathe in and out of it.  Caryn says my body is much softer, that I’m letting go of a lot of body armor.  I just feel lost.  She says it’s possible to heal, I hope she’s right.