(Written in December 2008)
Work with Caryn was very hard. I kept having waves of complete discouragement and hopelessness. I was reminded of that step in my pattern where I conclude “I can’t do this” when one step in a process doesn’t work. I also think of the deep discouragement of a neglected baby who truly can’t get its needs met. Caryn said the damage happened in relationship, so it has to be healed in relationship. O god that just feels so impossible. I clearly need friends that I can just hang out with, and I don’t have any. Except for my dance circle and that only meets once a week. I said to Caryn at one point “I expect to be judged”, and it was horrifying and painful to see how powerful that inner critic is. I’m much harder on myself than I am on anyone else. “Children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.” In the session I came to a place of saying “I can’t do it”, but I was frustrated and angry and still expecting myself, needing myself, to be able to do it. I know that it’s possible to accept not being able to do something and experience it as a relief, but that doesn’t seem possible right now. If I can’t change myself and my life then I’m stuck in this unlivable misery. Can I bring love to this baby with the cold rejecting judgmental mother? Yes. Can I bring love to this woman who’s so frightened and lonely and blaming herself? Yes.
There was a piece about getting resourced — the only resource I have is my weight on the couch, letting it sink down as much as possible, letting myself experience being supported by what is under me. Stay with it as long as I can, until a thought or discomfort comes in. “That’s activation” says Caryn, the job is not to follow it out, or figure it out, or make it go away, but just to be with it with acceptance. See what happens. With Caryn’s comforting presence, I was able to be with whatever it was with acceptance and it faded. I did it several times in the session, and I’ve done it several times this morning. A Success!
So, dear Jenny, remember this: you don’t have to change yourself and your life. You can create a vision and make a choice. Then you can focus on the present moment and the next step, accept yourself just as you are every step along the way. God’s grace will help you, and your life will change.
Vision: I have lots of friends who enjoy having me hang out with them.
I choose to have lots of opportunities to hang out with friends who accept me unconditionally.
I’m beginning to be able to look at my whole life with a lot more compassion, and I see what a desperately hard life it’s been. I think of myself walking the corridors at Kripalu because I couldn’t sleep, walking around behind Jane’s house at night in the rain chanting the prajna paramita, and my heart goes out to me. I think I’m beginning to see it with compassion instead of denial, self-rejection or self-pity. This is the good that’s coming out of this bad time.