I haven’t posted in a long time, I’ve been feeling so miserable. In fact I really lost it at one time, so now I’m in the health center instead of independent living. At least I’m not alone so much. I eat all of my meals at a table with other people. I leave my door open and hear people going up & down the corridor and talk, so I really know I’m not alone. But I feel totally worthless and uninteresting. Today I had Thanksgiving dinner with four people I like very much. They had interesting conversations, but I had nothing interesting to say. All I could have talked about was how miserable I’m feeling, how useless and worthless I am. Doing nothing worthwhile for other people or for the world, just thinking about myself.
Actually I don’t think about myself. I usually have a song in my mind, sometimes one I like, sometimes one I don’t like. I try to stop the song and just pay attention to my breath. I think if I can focus on my breath that — what? Why do I think it would be good to pay attention to my breath? It reminds me of when I was first at the Zen Center in Rochester, trying to meditate correctly so I could feel better. I had no idea that I was living with severe depression that was caused by very early trauma.
Now I have to deal with my possessions, because I’m supposed to move to an apartment that’s on the floor below this one. It’s pretty easy to know what I want to keep and what I feel free to get rid of. The hard part is figuring out what to do with what I don’t want. That’s where my energy is going at the moment.