From my journal for September 23, 1996. I find it fascinating that I start to do so much better. I think the work about Mother helped. I suspect that it’s also because, or maybe even mainly because I’ve been taking a tranquilizer, Ativan, since some time in August. I don’t say anything about it in my journal
In the session with Karen I just cried at first. Then I found myself telling off Mother. I did a drawing of a bland woman and made balloons saying: You’re selfish, you’re demanding, you don’t care, don’t think you’re so great, … Then I translated them into what she was really saying. “You’re selfish” meant I wouldn’t do what she wanted me to. “You’re demanding” meant I had normal legitimate child’s needs that she didn’t want to fulfill. ‘You don’t care” meant I didn’t care about her because I didn’t care about the things she cared about, and also that I didn’t worship her which was what she wanted. “Don’t think you’re so great” meant that she was jealous of my creativity and my intelligence. … She hated it when I had interests of my own.
Then I tore off each of the balloons and said what was my truth. “You’re selfish” — I am not selfish, I am very generous, I’ve tried to help people beyond what my resources would bear… “You’re demanding” — yes, I demand honesty and exchange and love in relationship. “You don’t care” — I do care about a lot of things that you can’t even see… “Don’t think you’re so great” — no mom, I don’t, you succeeded there, I think I’m a piece of shit, I’ve never been able to develop and make good use of that creativity and intelligence you were so jealous of, aren’t you proud of your work? …
Then I did the letting go exercise. I took hold of the towel and let go. That was it.
September 27
Well. I hardly know what to say. I’ve had two days of being really different. I seem to be learning how to accept whatever comes. I have hits of anxiety, hits of sadness, I make room for them but don’t make a big deal out of them. I’m not frightened by every little thing. People don’t all look horribly ugly and sick any more.Also, I notice that a lot of things that used to bother me don’t seem to be important any more. Like? Things unfinished in this house. I’m not constantly comparing “this road is prettier than the one we live on.” Stuff I wasn’t even aware of until I’m not doing it.
A big piece of this must have been the work with Karen, telling Mother off. Then discovering with Dana the feel of emotions that are unworkable and beginning to practice letting them be and distracting myself.
September 29
Woke feeling pretty sick — slight headache, fluish. I prayed to the god of love to help me love myself in my sickness and it seemed to work — I feel gentle toward myself, not impatient and angry. … Maybe it’s just the bug that’s going around. Another chance to practice acceptance.My life has changed, but I didn’t change it. I seem to be making no effort, yet things are different. The other night I started to cook spinach for my supper and then turned it into a tasty meal with cream sauce, rice and tofu. I didn’t try to make it happen, it just happened.
Unfortunately, I go on from this good place to being depressed again and forced to find an anti-depressant that worked. Which was scary because of the bad experience on Paxil.