From my journal for August 27, 1996
I thought about the phrase that moved me at the Church services this week — something about how God will comfort thy waste places o Israel. Again I let myself feel how empty and wasted I feel inside, and how much I wanted God — the god out there — to fill me with compassion. My heart was filled with burning pain.
Suddenly it occurred to me: suppose god is in the center of my heart. That god, who created me, who is me, my deepest self, my most real Self. Then my heart changed, became an open chamber with a deep, deep root (It’s great white elephants all the way down.) How amazing! Easter in the soul. I stayed with the feeling for quite a long time — still an emptiness, but what a different emptiness — an emptiness rooted in great depths.
I have been going to the Episcopal Church in St. Johnsbury, with a friend of mine.
I do not remember this experience at all. I went right back to feeling terrified most of the time. Alas, This kind of thing happens when I don’t have an agenda. I “let myself feel how much I wanted God” and behold: “Easter in the soul.” Then I try to make it happen again, but now I’m doing whatever it is to make something happen, and it has to be completely without agenda to work. So frustrating!
I remember how I found the shells on the beach — I had to give up trying. I had to talk to God and let go of finding any shells. And then I found a double handful.