This material is some of the first I typed up from the handwritten journals after September 15 when I stopped typing them. I’m not typing everything, just pieces I think would make good blog posts.
After the Video of Journey Into Courage was made, Bess arranged for a premiere of the Video in Burlington. A couple of reporters called to interview me.
September 25, 1995
Susan Kelly called from the Burlington Free Press and we talked for half an hour. I could hear her typing madly while I talked. She sounded very excited about the things I said, so I hope a lot of it shows up in the final article. It was interesting that the talk with Deb McIlwaine, wanting information for the local paper, warmed me up so certain verbalizations were ready to hand: “I had all the advantages, but my parents’ alcoholism sabotaged my ability to make use of them.” I had the same sense as after the videotaped interview, of having been heard, of someone really being interested in what I had to say and paying close attention, and finding that in that accepting and supportive atmosphere I’m able to speak powerfully and passionately and intelligently. That feels so satisfying, to speak my truth and speak it well, and have it be heard.
That “accepting and supportive atmosphere” is exactly what I didn’t have at home. My parents were not at all interested in hearing me speak my truth, they invalidated me and turned away. At the time of Journey, I thought my inability to have sex was because I had been sexually abused, and didn’t know it was due to being traumatized. See script for Journey.
Jacqueline Winspear says of soldiers traumatized during World War I that they would injure themselves as if to make visible the wounds to their souls. Understanding that I was traumatized let me know that I cut myself because I felt that no one could see my pain, or listen to my pain and therefore it was invisible.
September 27, 1995
Lynelle watched the Journey Video with Daria and had some interesting (and heartening) feedback. She said she thought it was very good. She had a hard time with Tonya’s description of a flashback of oral abuse, and Brenda’s tale of the “Elderberry Huts” which is really creepy. She said she thought I was the person she would most like to talk to, that I seemed to have more vitality, my voice was very vibrant. She said that I and Tonya, and possibly Ann, seemed to be connected to something deeper, that the others weren’t. The reporter said I was the one she most wanted to talk to as well, which makes me feel much more comfortable about being present while others see the video — I have been feeling very embarrassed about how ugly I am and imagining that people would be put off. I will try to watch myself with more objectivity and see if I can see what Lynelle is talking about.
Going back and reading this is so strange. I realized that I got all this good feedback, but simply wasn’t able to integrate it. Now, when Erica or Elizabeth says they hear a special energy in my voice, I notice the comment and realize that I’m unaware of what they are talking about. It seems like the person other people see and the person I experience myself to be are completely different.