In 1994, Bess O’Brien decided that it was time to stop doing performances of Journey Into Courage, and to make a video. I went back to find the link to the video, and discovered that I have already published some of this in September 2012.
April 21, 1994
Mary and Bess came to videotape an interview with me for the Journey into Courage video. I think the interview went well, I was able to be my passionate articulate self in answer to some of the questions. Also at times the tears would rise up into my throat and spill out my eyes, and just as in performance I was able to let them be there and to keep talking. I think I would feel uncomfortable if they were going to try to construct a 30-minute interview, but they only need about 5 or 10 minutes. They also took a lot of “still” pictures of different parts of the house, so some of the interview will become “voice over.”
Some of the interview questions were expected “How did you hear about Journey?” Some were not — and got me thinking about things in new ways. One was “How has building this house been a healing experience for you?” That’s quite an intriguing concept. I think it was a healing experience in many ways, but it’s very hard to say why. I ended up saying that it was because Dana and I worked so well together on the project. She also asked about my spirituality, and I think I did manage to say something about the sacredness of every day things. Bess asked something about my anger, which surprised me, I don’t think of myself as an angry person. But I guess one of the gifts of Journey is the ability to use my anger, consciously and effectively, in the service of what I value. She asked me about the advantages and disadvantages of growing up wealthy, I said something about not experiencing myself as “wealthy”, but that I was glad for a good education, that the money gave me time, time to write in my journal and to explore my psyche, and made it possible to see good therapists.
Well! I hope it will work out that they can use the best pieces and not the ones where I stumbled and didn’t say it very well. They didn’t get: me walking the dog, and circle dance.
When it was time to go to bed, I discovered that I felt so good in my body that it was hard to go to sleep. It felt like a lot of little doors in me, that are normally shut down, were now wide open. It felt like I had really been appreciated for the very first time. It felt wonderful. And I notice today that my body feels better, not so stiff and sore.
Bess and Mary commented on how well I was able to articulate the answers to some of the questions. Bess said “You’re so succinct that sometimes you answer five of my questions at once.” I was thinking about how that is part of my cosmic job, to speak for the voiceless, to articulate what other people feel, but can’t express in words. I have been angry that a person of intelligence wealth and creativity had her life so damaged by childhood abuse that she has never been able to live up to her promise. But something that is desperately needed in our culture right now is for someone to speak out about the plight of abused children: and who can do that better than a person who is articulate and intelligent, who was herself abused, who has money and time to do the therapy, to work to understand what happened to her, and to write about it. If I chose this life, if I chose to be born to abusive parents, it was for the same reason that a reporter risks his/her life to go into a war zone, to be a witness, to send back reports of what is happening on the battlefield.
(A week later) I just read over the story I wrote about a person who is despairing and depressed and then some new person or event comes into her life and gives her a new look at herself, a wider context, a sense of connection and meaning. And lo and behold! that’s exactly what happened when Bess and Mary came here to film me. Their interest in me as a person, and in my house as a reflection of my creativity, and Bess’ carefully thought-out questions, gave me back a sense of perspective on myself and my life, a chance to see my gifts and my accomplishments, instead of just my struggle. And that lets me see that I am not only the Keeper of the Calendar, an esoteric function which is of value only to the few who are trying to live a sacramental life, but I am also a reporter on the front lines. My job is not to change the culture or to wake people up, but to just keep reporting as honestly and objectively as possible, the conditions on the battlefield.