Written in writing group last night:
I’ve been so confused. Feeling miserable. Can’t identify feelings. I’ve been at cross-purposes with Mocha. I wanted to go over to Rivercrest and she did her thing of crouching and pulling back. So we went around Scattergood. Mostly I just let her go where she wanted to go. But sometimes I need to go in a particular direction. I hate having to fight with her about it. I don’t like feeling angry with her and I don’t know what to do about it.
I went out this morning to go by the Vet’s to get her weighed — alas she’s still 16.4 lbs which is heavy and I know she thinks I’m not giving her enough. Then I went down to West Lebanon Feed & Supply. Elizabeth’s friend, the homeopathic Vet, recommended some frozen food that’s very healthy and online it said Lebanon Feed carried it. But it turns out they have to special order it. So I ordered 2 3-pound bags. But the whole morning I felt scared. I even felt really strange when I got back to my apartment it didn’t seem familiar. Elizabeth’s friend Cecille recommended a lot of things and I wrote them down and went looking for things online. One part of me wanted to do everything I can for Mocha, but another part of me was afraid I’m simply too tired to do much.
I’ve had a lot of odd thoughts running through my mind, and songs, things like Mrs Robinson, there was another one. I keep trying to change them to the metta prayer, may all beings be held in lovingkindness, may I be held…, may Mocha be held… , may all beings be held… Sometimes I can hold on to it for a long time. Sometimes I lose it and it’s back to “… in the pantry with your cupcakes… any way you look at it you lose.” and there’s a line about Jesus “… Jesus loves you more than you will know…” I wondered if that was the message I was trying to give myself.
Reading Cynthia Bourgeault’s The Wisdom Way of Knowing and realizing why circle dance helped so much and what a loss it is that I don’t have it any more. I feel so far from Spirit and don’t see any way to connect. And then I feel cross again. No sense of compassion, peace, calmness, not even relaxation. I keep feeling like I am doing everything wrong.
Note: Bourgeault talks about the necessity to to do spiritual practice from three centers: the body, the mind, and the “heart.” I put “heart” in quotes because she gives a different definition. We usually think of the heart in terms of emotions, but she says that the heart is “an organ for the perception of divine purpose and beauty.” p34
O yes, there’s a possibility that I’ve been taken over by a part. I tried to have a conversation with her. Don’t know what to do with that either.
The sun is shining through the leaves of the tree just outside the window. The light is coming sideways so there’s a lot of contrast almost a sparkle and a sense of depth seeing through to the trunk of the tree. It’s beautiful. I take a deep breath and relax. It’s such a relief to see/feel beauty.
“… hiding in the pantry with your cupcakes.”