Steps on the Way to Neskaya

Imbolc is the Cross-Quarter Day, also called Candlemas.

February 2, 1992     Imbolc

I went to folk dance yesterday, it was very hard getting myself there, and the tapes and tape deck and cauldron and candles.  Driving out the driveway I asked myself what the hell am I doing this for when I feel so tired and sick.  And my answer was that I care about the fire festivals, and the wheel of the year, and I want people to remember and celebrate the changing seasons.  And it turned out to be wonderful — there were a lot of people there.  I sat on the sidelines and watched for the most part, they looked beautiful and varied and skillful.  The four little girls danced almost every dance instead of playing as they usually do, so we seemed more like a real community.  We lit the candles and made good wishes for everything from a friend’s birthday to hope for those lost in poverty, hunger, homelessness.  Then we did the King of the Fairies and the dance of the Trees around the lighted candles.

At this point we were dancing in the Franconia Elementary School gym.

February 19, 1992

In less than an hour we’ll be having the closing on the Neskaya property.  I feel scared about it, but also absolutely sure that I want to do this with Dana.  When I remember that, the overwhelming scared feelings go away.  Perhaps we’re being fools, but if so, there ought to be more of this sort of foolishness in the world.

Instead of being on the river flat, this land is right at the bottom of “Three Mile Hill” which goes up to Cannon Mountain Ski Area.

May 14, 1992

Woke at 4AM, terrified and soaking wet.  Changed my clothes, took two Nuprin, did anilom viloma, recited the Prajna Paramita and managed to get back to sleep.  A part of it is chemicals / hormones etc.  Another part is terror about Neskaya — who do we think we are?  Where is the money going to come from.  Then I remind myself that we really want to do it.  This morning I remembered that I once wanted a church (be careful what you ask for, for god may give it to you) and now here we are building one.  Yes.  I still feel terrified, and I put it aside and affirm that we will do this thing.  This is courage.  This is perhaps what the I Ching was talking about.

Waking terrified at 4AM is a symptom of PTSD.  “Anilom Viloma” is a breathing exercise that usually calms me down. The Prajna Paramita is the Heart of Perfect Wisdom sutra, about the Bodhisattva of Compassion. See the I Ching statement in the previous post.

July 10, 1992

Today the Sun crosses my Jupiter in Cancer in the Eighth.  We went over to the Neskaya land just to “touch base” as it were.  It felt very good.  I feel very glad of this project, and willing to be patient with the process, to spend as much time as it takes to do it right because this is a sacred building.

The Eighth House rules other people’s resources, Jupiter is expansion, Sun transit Jupiter is good fortune.

July 30, 1992

Neskaya — we signed the application for a building permit yesterday. 

October 18, 1992

Our application for a driveway permit for Neskaya was refused.  This is very disappointing and scary.  I had to work hard last night to “soften” around the disappointment and fear and helplessness.  I suppose we could put the property back on the market (it will probably take years to sell) and buy something else.  But I still feel committed to the project, whatever we have to do.

I’m at the Neskaya property.  Dana and Bill Smith are walking up and down the road, trying to find a place to locate a driveway.  Our application for a permit was refused, and we’ve both been pretty upset about it.  Yesterday I was able to see that Neskaya is a big enough vision to absorb a $35,000 mistake, but today I just feel scared and bummed out.  Dana and I went up on the land to ask the spirits of the place for help.

December 5, 1992

The driveway permit came today.  Green light for Neskaya.

We had to have the driveway come out on a different part of the road because Neskaya is a public building. Unfortunately, the new one had to be steeper, which wasn’t a problem until the harder rainfalls associated with climate disruption started eroding channels in the driveway.

This entry was posted in Circle Dance, Journal, Spirit, Story. Bookmark the permalink.