Abandonment Trauma

In yesterday’s post I notice the words “nothing”, underlined, and “annihilation.”  I’m simply unable to describe how it actually felt, and in fact, right now, I don’t remember how it felt.  Can’t recall it.  It’s such a total disappearance of “me.”  This is the experience of a baby, with undeveloped brain and nervous system, no concept of me, you, death or connection, feeling completely disappeared.  It used to include frozen terror, but that was before I knew what it was, knew that it was my experience as a baby left alone.

This has also been described as a spiritual experience, but I think that that experience is nothing like mine.  The spiritual experience of losing “myself” — I believe — is one of realizing that you are much bigger and entirely different from who you thought yourself to be.  Also not experiencing yourself as alone, but instead as all there is.

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