Being Cared For

I had been at Kendal since November and this was July – eight months later.  The day before I had had a tooth pulled, and then I fell for a computer scam.  I had to cancel my debit card and my checking account, and it was complicated.

From my journal for July 13:

Yesterday was on the one hand horrible, and on the other hand it felt like I got past the bad place.  I got the email from Leah (my stockbroker’s assistant) with the document to sign so that they can transfer funds to my Mascoma account so I can use it to pay bills.  First I had trouble opening it.  Turns out it wasn’t the attachment place to click but a link in the letter.  Then I went to print it, but when I tried to put in the new ink cartridge, I found that I had bought the wrong one.  So I called the reception desk to see if there was any way that someone else could print it.  Nicole thought we could figure it out.  So I took my computer down there.  No way I could hook it into hers, so she said “Forward me the email.”  I tried, but it would only do “send later.”  Turns out my wi-fi channel is only in my room.  Jeff came out of his office for something, Nicole explained to him, and he said come into my office.  Somewhere along there I burst into tears and Nicole gave me a hug and patted me, and the two other people standing there, waiting, said things like “We’ll work it out,” in reassuring tones of voice.  In his office, Jeff went to the link on my stockbroker’s website, I put in my info, he downloaded it, printed it off, gave it to me to sign, then scanned and sent it back to Leah.  I made a mistake with my signature, so he just printed it out again.  After sending the good copy to Leah, he gave it to me, and then took me through the office maze to shred the bad one.  I felt so well taken care of.  It was such a beautiful antidote to my feelings of not being able to trust anyone.  They restored my faith in the basic goodness of human beings.

I had gone down there to ask for help, but I had expected them to be annoyed and grudging about helping.  The friendliness and kindness of the staff was something so different from my expectation that I had to look more closely.  I was able to take in the kindness instead of erasing it according to my conditioning.

Even taking it in at the moment, is subject to my conditioned erasing of everything that suggests that I might be worth taking care of.  That’s why writing it down is so helpful.

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