Somatic Experiencing

(Written in January 2012)
Went down to see Caryn yesterday.  Started sitting on a cushion against the south wall between the glass doors to the deck.  Told her I’d lost myself.  “How does that feel in your body?”  It’s all homogeneous and grey.  Then I talked about being brought down by the political stuff.  I sat with it for a while and began to feel pain in my heart and tears in my eyes.  I don’t remember how the session unfolded.  We did find a number of things that pulled in different directions so I could see why there was a homogeneous mass.  I also saw that I was disappointed in my circle dance community, that there aren’t more activists.  I talked about trying to write a description of my program and of the workshop.  I talked about Eleanor’s ongoing struggle.  I talked about worrying about Bella, knowing she doesn’t have a lot of time left, and wanting to spend every minute with her.  Caryn commented that my program generates a lot of positive energy.  That was a helpful reminder.  I began to feel better, more like a person with heart and stomach inside.  I said I ought to make a new map of my life.  I wish I had done it right then.  I felt like there were a lot of things to put on it.  Right now it feels like there’s more bad than good.

One piece of it is Sacred Sites leading to Dancing the Sacred Calendar, leading to doing it at Rowe and Kripalu.  Another is finding my fellow spiritual activists so I can feel supported here at home.  And I remind myself of Marianne Williamson, that my activism gains spiritual strength because it’s rooted in the truth.

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