Weight on my Heart

I’ve been worried about Bella.  Her hind legs collapse under her now & then.  She did eat last night’s supper, but it’s been 3 days since I gave her any supplements.  She’s been drinking enormous amounts of water and peeing a lot.  She also seems to wander off, like she doesn’t know where I am.  I think her sight and hearing are greatly diminished.  I’m afraid she’s getting ready to leave.  I try to spend as much time with her as possible, and take her almost everywhere with me.
I reread “I Never Promised You a Rose Garden” for the first time in a long time.  It’s very interesting to read it now that I no longer identify with Deborah.  All the underlined places, and the splashes of blood are eloquent of what that book meant to me.  A chance to revisit that Jenny who cut herself, wrote with the blood, scribbled madness in her journal.  My heart feels cold.  That’s not Little Jenny, that’s Crazy Jenny.  She was also the one whose story I enacted in Journey into Courage.  Maybe that’s why she hasn’t had to appear again.  I try to see her, and I don’t feel the surge of warmth and love that I feel when I imagine Little Jenny.  Maybe Crazy Jenny has been healed and integrated.
O gosh, I feel so bleak.  Bella is a weight on my heart, and the poisoning of the earth.  But the earth will win, and there will still be human beings, the descendants of those who are already living in sustainable communities and know how to live on the earth without destroying it.  The earth will be more or less damaged, many species will be gone, but I think that once the greedy 1% have died or fallen apart, Nature will rebound swiftly, even creating bacteria that can digest our poisons.  Hopefully, enough people will go on to carry culture forward, the understanding of the need to live in co-operation with the earth, so that the communities will be intelligent and educated.  They will remember what happened and know how to not do it again.  We will not descend into barbaric primitive tribes, still fighting “survival of the fittest” battles.  If the crash happens fairly soon, there will be enough indigenous people left to carry the kind of knowledge we need.  This is the vision I’m holding for the future.  I used to be afraid that people from cities with guns would invade us, shoot us, take our food and move on.  I didn’t see how I could possibly live through such a bad time.  I don’t know how to grow food, and I don’t have any useful practical skills to barter for food.  Unless circle dancing has become meaningful and important in creating community.  I’m getting more and more comfortable with the idea of just stopping eating.  I like that it gives me time to say good bye.  I like that god will choose the time, not me.