(Written in May 2009)
Feeling pretty bleak. A tough and painful session with Caryn. I cried, screamed, roared, writhed, pounded my knees, pushed with my feet. I even banged my head against the wall. She stopped me, asked where the impulse was coming from – my chest – then suggested I imagine doing it. So I did, and after about 6 times the impulse faded. After more crying and writhing I just stopped, feeling like what good was it. Caryn wrote down some of the things I had said while expressing my grief and rage.
This is too hard
Is anybody out there? Does anybody see me?
Does anybody care?
I just want to die
Caryn said your feelings have been expressed and witnessed. Now we have to break it down into managable chunks so you can discharge the energy. She pointed to the first one “This is too hard” and I felt a plume of activation rising in my chest. I used my hands to cut off a smaller blob and push the rest down. Then I sat with the blob and the weight in my butt, and my shoulders shook, and I yawned — all the usual discharge. I did it several times. Then she had me look at the words again. No charge with “This is too hard” — it’s not too hard if I can break it into manageable bits. “Is anybody out there?” Caryn’s here and she can see me. I kept doing the process, I hope I’ve learned it well enough to be able to do it on my own. And I have been able to do it since I’ve been back.
Driving back I felt completely, totally bummed out. I was able to cook and eat lunch and be in a conference call about my taxes. Thank goodness that was easy. I didn’t feel any satisfaction, but I did it. (Good for me!)