Struggle with Depression

(Written in September 2010)
Lynelle said she had a good visit with her friend Diane, who she hasn’t seen for a while.  She said Diane had lost both breasts, but was glad to be alive.  Lynelle said she had a great attitude.  I came back here feeling very ashamed.  I’m cowardly and whine to all my friends about what I’m up against, because I don’t want them to judge me for not getting things done.
So this morning I’m feeling pretty bummed out.  Really not seeing a good reason for keeping going.  I’m having waves of that totally hopeless feeling where even something like cooking rice, which I have to do regularly, feels like an awful chore.
Then I think I’m NOT glad to be alive.  Diane is lucky.  She had a big scare and it brought home to her how precious life is.  But she can enjoy it.  I’m up against brain chemistry.  I’m not glad to be alive.  I’m going along putting one foot in front of the other — why?  why keep going?  I’m not facing something open and obvious, like breast cancer, or the death of a loved one.  I’m up against this nightmare invisible destroyer that takes the color out of everything.
Can I love this person who’s having such a hard time?  Who’s whiny & cowardly?  No, she’s not whiny & cowardly, she’s just having a very hard time in a way that most people don’t understand.  Can I think of anything good about her?  She does feel compassion for anyone who’s having a hard time.  She works to bring compassion to any situation where it doesn’t naturally arise in her.  She loves the world, the world of nature, and wants to see it used with reverence and respect.  She loves the human community when it is creative and celebratory and honest and perceptive.  She gets angry when people contribute to the ongoing disaster, through making money the bottom line, and not caring what damage their actions do as long as it’s far enough away so they can ignore it.  I don’t hate those people, most of the time I feel compassion for them because I know they’ve been badly damaged.  Is this enough?  Is it good enough reason to go on living?  I don’t know.  I keep asking god to tell me what he/she/it/they want me to do with my life, but I haven’t got any answers.  God, if you want me to keep going you’ve got to show me a way to change this brain chemistry.  PLEASE!!