Woke scared. I HATE waking up scared. I’m too uncomfortable to get out of bed, but I’m uncomfortable in bed so why stay there. I tell myself I’ll feel better when I have a cup of tea and get myself out of bed.
Looking ahead in my schedule I see some gaps, some empty days. The usual cold chill flows down over my shoulders. Cory’s coming over today thank goodness. I think I’ll do an “ashram day” in 20 minute intervals because I’m so scared.
20 minutes wash up from breakfast
20 minutes read Elizabeth Goudge
20 minutes bring in 2 loads of wood
20 minutes type journal
I really need to talk to someone who cares about me. Called Beverly, got her machine. Called Ann, got her machine. too discouraged to try anyone else.
Made a cup of tea. I have a new set of affirmations, and I remind myself again again, just because something doesn’t work right away doesn’t mean it doesn’t work.
AFFIRMATIONS:
It is possible to heal
I am doing things that will help me heal
I am doing things differently
from how it was in my childhood
from what I used to do
I am telling the traumatized baby that I will stay with her, I won’t go away, I will give her all the time and space she needs. I am committed to her welfare.
I am reaching out to my friends and they are delighted to help me.
Cory came at 1:00 and we went around the whole forest trail with both dogs. I didn’t really enjoy it and I couldn’t have done it without her support. Then we came in & had tea and I read from the Resource book. Cory was very validating and helpful. When she left I felt scared and lost.
I have to do some shopping. It’s hard to do when I’m this scared. I’ll just get the essentials.
Even late in the afternoon I was still feeling scared, but it did finally fade as it got dark.
The “Ashram Day” is what someone at Kripalu said when I told her I’d been “doing nothing.” She said “What’s that like?” and I said I set the timer and do 30 minutes of housework, 30 minutes of reading, 30 minutes of yoga, 30 minutes of walk outdoors.. She said “That’s not nothing, that’s an ashram day.” I started doing 30 minute shifts on days when I was too scared and/or depressed to be able to tell what I wanted to do, and when I wanted to stop. 30 minutes gave me a structure to my day. So now, when I spend some time playing solitaire on the computer, I see it as a “practice” which distracts my cognitive brain, so that my subconscious and unconscious can perform the work of integration and healing. I don’t think of it as “nothing.”
The Resource Book: in Somatic Experiencing a “resource” is anything that can help you feel more grounded and centered. I went through all my journals from 2005 and copied anything anyone told me that was good about myself. It grew to a sizable book. I still read part of it when I’m feeling really discouraged.