I’m feeling tired & discouraged. I remind myself that I just read a piece on Deena Metzger’s blog. She talks about living in such a way that you do no harm to the world. I can’t possibly do that. I can’t walk to Neskaya most of the time, and I couldn’t possibly walk to Mac’s. I’ve thought about a bike but my one attempt to ride one was really difficult. I do my best to eat organic and local, especially organic meat. But I’m dependent on other people using fossil fuel just for something as basic as food. I think if I were truly going to live a life that does no harm, I’d have to walk out into the woods on a below zero night. I did think of doing tonglen for all the people out there who feel as discouraged and tired as I do. Breathe it in, and breathe out warmth, compassion, and permission to rest.
Tonglen is a Buddhist practice of breathing in your own pain, and the pain of all others who feel that way, and breathing out comfort. I wasn’t able to do it until I had healed a lot from PTSD.
(1/13/12) typed that up and posted it as a draft on Wednesday. Yesterday I got very depressed. A long talk with a friend did not dispel it. I was fine while talking to her, but fell back into cold grey bleakness as soon as I hung up. That’s the first time that’s happened in a long while. Since I’ve been so much better, a talk with a friend has been able to bring me out of it almost every time.
When I got to massage I told Cory I was depressed. She suggested I surround it with warmth. O gosh I know that. Right. I’ve been treating it like an unwelcome guest. (Thank you, God, for friends who know what to say!) So I made the inner gesture of softness and love, and there was an 8-yr-old girl, crying her eyes out. Alone. So I put my arms around her and told her it was OK to cry. I don’t know what it was about, and that’s OK. Then it came to me that there were two reasons to be depressed that I had written about, but I hadn’t let myself mourn. Understanding that shifted the depression to grief.
After supper I called Pat. I told her about Deena Metzger’s blog piece where she says it’s not possible to live without doing harm to the earth and its creatures, but that’s what she wants to do. I did the thing of explaining why I couldn’t do that, but hadn’t let myself mourn that I had to live in a way that harmed the earth and its creatures. While talking to Pat I remembered the relief I felt when I was at Findhorn, and saw all the marked bins under the counter. Of course. It’s not possible to live in a way that does the least harm unless you live in a community that lives that way. I was laying the expectation on myself that I live up to that standard all by myself. I think the people who even come close to that are young, strong, able to build, and garden, and bike, and living in a climate that does not contain New England winters.