Somatic Experiencing

(Written in December 2009)
Saw Caryn yesterday.  It was good to see her.  I told her a little about how the week had been and then began to pay attention to my body.  Odd, sad, heavy feelings, more in my stomach than in my heart.  Gradually I found that my body wanted to shrink and hide.  Caryn brought me a blanket and a square flat cushion.  I held the cushion in front of me and that felt right except that I wasn’t entirely hidden.  I put the blanket over my knees and held up the cushion.  Then I started peeking over the top and around the sides.  Caryn was smiling at me.  I can’t remember how it went on — there was laughter and then some tears.   At one point, still hiding behind the cushion, I reached out and grabbed her knee so I’d know she was there.  She asked me to feel her presence through the cushion, but I couldn’t do it.  More than once, feeling how strange and scary this was, I said “that poor little kid.” What an impoverished childhood.  It took quite a while for me to be comfortable coming out from behind the cushion.  Then I leaned against the wall and my neck felt stiff.  I asked if I could get on the table.  So we spent the last 30 minutes with me on the table and Caryn put her hands on my knees, shoulders, neck and feet.  I was able to have some sense of my body drinking it in.