Guidance

(Written in October 2003)
O spirits, I’m in a profoundly bleak and despairing place.  I’ve been trying to work with my pain as Greenspan suggests, I’ve been dancing, writing, and painting my pain as well as breathing through the heart.  When I was feeling really alive tho in pain it seemed like it was the right thing to do, now that I’ve been in bleak stony misery all day it looks like I had beginners’ luck and now the technique won’t work for me again.  I’m maybe subtly trying to be with the pain to make it change instead of just being with it with compassion and patience.  Please help me!
    Dear Jenny, you are being too hard on yourself.  You set your intention to offer yourself to the process of grief, despair and fear.  You were prepared for the work to go on indefinitely, but feeling better last night fooled you into imagining that you now “knew how to do it.”  Dear Jenny, you do this over and over again.  It’s not wrong or bad, it’s just how it is.  This is a long process, the work you do every day counts, but it doesn’t always make you feel better.  Be gentle with yourself, stop pushing yourself to “get through this”.  You were feeling compassion earlier for those who numb themselves to this pain with alcohol — can you bring compassion to yourself that you are finding this work so hard and difficult?  Give yourself some credit for being willing to tackle this.  Relax.  It is OK to not struggle any more today.