(Written in October 2003)
Tried the Heart Flow again but nearly fell asleep so I got up & danced hoping it would help. The damn dog next door with the high-pitched bark irritates me — I try to bring compassion to my hypersensitive irritable self.
Reading Greenspan on despair is tough going. I agree with her that the culture pathologizes despair in an unhealthy way and simultaneously creates more of it with the pressure to “feel good”. It makes sense that staying with despair could lead to transformation. But either I haven’t had the right kind of help or I just don’t have the skills. I’m tired of the struggle. Maybe I just need more support than I’ve got. It’s just too hard being alone so much.
Took Bella up Rte 3. I could feel the pain in my heart but I was also open to the beauty of the day — one of the few times I’ve been able to have both. The beauty was painful not heartlifting, but I felt very alive.
Next day: Staying with my heart seems to help me be more present with the world, tho even beauty is painful, not uplifting. I noticed that I’m not depressed tho I get waves of hopelessness, they pass and I’m back with grief. I also don’t seem to be in despair any more. Life is not meaningless — I was able to rejoice yesterday that I’ve been able to give both Gene and Greg opportunities to exercise their creativity in work that they love. And I have meaningful work which is this work to stay with my heart. Doing it, although difficult and painful, is self-validating, I’m not questioning whether it’s worth doing. Perhaps because I’ve given up all notions of “getting things done” out there. I’ve dropped everything I can drop and fortunately people have been there to pick up what has to be done. I wish there was an ashram where I could go and be supported through this process — on that thought something closes across my heart and bulges up into my throat. What is it? Hopelessness and anger that there is no such place and I have to do it all by myself? The lump eases and I’m back with the huge ache in my heart.
I think it’s my intention to offer myself to the process of grief, to surrender unconditionally — I have faith that I will be transformed, but into what I don’t know. At the moment I can’t imagine an ending to the pain, can’t imagine finding joy again. I’m still willing to stick with this process. It’s clear to me that this is what I’ve been given (or chosen) to deal with right now. I started to say it’s my intention that’s made possible this more alive way of being with the pain.
When I’m in touch with the pain, it’s so deep and intense that I understand why I’m depressed so much. I also understand why I cut myself as a way to deal with it. So there’s greater compassion for my struggle.
For Greenspan and “heart flow” see earlier entry