(Written in August 2003)
I think a big chunk of the sadness I’m feeling is seeing how we humans struggle in the midst of so many forces pulling different ways, and we know so little about these forces, and we imagine we’re making conscious choices when all too often we are being battered by a wind and waves that we don’t even see, and are carried out of our depths and in some other direction. I suppose that’s why really only spiritual practice can help us hold on to a center. Though even with spiritual practice there can still be hidden undertows: my long struggle with depression & anxiety rooted in trauma, and other biological factors, predispositions, that people blame themselves for when the truth is they had no choice. In some ways there’s so little that we really do have choice about — to be present, to be aware, to seek the truth, to try to love — only how we respond to something, not what comes to us or what (we think) we go toward…