(Written in February 2009)
It was pretty amazing not to feel nauseous all day. There was a little around lunchtime. I can’t say I felt great, but it was such a relief not to feel sick.
I want my life back. I want to enjoy watching the chickadees come, to enjoy hauling wood & building fires. I want to feel comfortable in my body, and safe, and grounded. I want to enjoy dancing, and creating and teaching programs at Neskaya. I want to be able to enjoy taking care of the building, washing dishes, cleaning candles & altar stuff, changing the decorations. I want to be able to feel love for my dog and my friends, and feel connected to the things I care about.
Tuesday
Felt very sad & lonely yesterday. Went & sat with Lynelle for a little and cried. Called Karen just to connect. I even cried when Janet was here (she hugged me) Respite from nausea in the evening but not from heavy-hearted depression.
Wednesday
Session with Caryn. I lay down & cried as before. Not as intensely — I felt lost, but not as lost. I was able to feel anchored by the weight and solidity of the lower half of my body. Caryn says I’m reorganizing at a very deep level, that’s why I don’t have any energy for surface things.