Somatic Experiencing

(Written in November 2008)
Yesterday, with Caryn, I talked about Obama “We elected him!” and she asked how that “we” felt in my body.  It was hard to say.  I felt strengthened, held upright — warmer — it was a good feeling, but I can’t recover it here & now.  As I talked about Obama I paid attention to what was happening in my body — that sense of renegotiation.  Then there was a feeling of tingling on my skin which became a sort of bubbling in a layer just under the skin.  I began to feel that push to rush out & do something, but I recognized that I didn’t want to do that any more and made a gesture of pulling my arms back and circling the space in front of me.  Then I could feel the energy in my abdomen.  What a shift.  I had a sense of being upright and completely relaxed.  There was tension down the top of my arms that wouldn’t relax.  I began to recognize that as being a gesture of hanging on, or the one I know well of “holding myself up” — but I didn’t have to do that any more, holding up was happening.  I was remaining upright without effort.  Caryn talked about the physiology, how that was the body’s response to gravity.  After a bit I felt like collapsing, but forward not back, so she brought out a small physioball and I hugged it — it was just right, I could feel it breathe.  We propped up my sternum & chin & elbows so I could completely relax — it felt wonderful.  I felt like a child — fat arms & legs — & also like a baby bear.  I had felt like an adult bear earlier, feeling my anger and wanting to make a gesture and sound GRRRRRR! a little confusion about the gesture — were the palms facing out or in — but I’m pretty sure it was not about attacking but about defending territory.  After I had enjoyed the relaxation for a while, we saw that there was a very little time left.  I asked for a story and she told me “The Seven Hats of Jizo” which was very sweet.