Bleak

(Written in February 2008)
Woke feeling bleak.  Heart like a stone.  I can’t tell if I’m tired or if I’m depressed.  I just don’t want to do anything.  I read in Animals in Spirit: “Death means wanting to be peaceful; it’s knowing that your work is done.  There is no struggle because it feels right.” p107 That’s how I’m feeling.  My only struggle is because I think I shouldn’t feel that way, I should make myself …what?  Shape up?  Get busy?  When I felt my heart’s cold stoniness this morning I had a moment of compassion, of wanting to comfort it, and then went back to feeling stony which I think means I’m angry at myself for feeling this way again.  But now I’m thinking well, this is how I am at this moment.  What if I were to honor it.  What if I couldn’t think “You’re wrong to be so tired.  Start visualizing yourself as full of energy…” then I would just let myself rest.  It’s not like I can’t do basic life support for myself and Bella.  That time of needing so desperately to be taken care of was short.  Actually, maybe what I most needed to know is that it’s OK to rest.  I don’t have to justify it by thinking that I’ve been sick, or adding up what I’ve done to show that it’s enough.  One day at a time.  It’s OK to do nothing for the next 24 hours.  Thy will be done.
I’ve been reading The Dean’s Watch.  Slowly, savoring every sentence.  I feel nourished by it in a way that I’ve not felt nourished by anything else I’ve been reading.  I also made scones yesterday, and they turned out well!!  GOOD FOR ME!
Dream fragment from the night before: Struggling to drive up a hill, road washed out.  Maybe this is where I am in my life right now.  Having to travel slowly on a path that has not been smoothed or leveled in any way.