I found this draft when I went to the dashboard to work on another post. I suspect I didn’t post it because I ended up still feeling bad. Reading it over again, I realized that the first time, in 2014, I actually told the story to people. The second time, a couple of months ago, I just wrote it out. I see that relationship is important for healing. I also see how I think I’ve arrived when I feel better, instead of seeing it as one stage in a long complex process.
Journal entry for January 19 2014
Talk with Barbara about single-mindedness. I was thinking that my vocation was not found by knowing what I wanted and going for it single-mindedly. Looking back I see I was clearly guided. At least I recognized the pieces when I met them. I told Barbara about the trip with Bettie and my epiphany at Knocknarae. Then perhaps about Brunswick & dream class & starting to write the book, and Charles bringing me to Franconia. The connection with folk dance and then sacred circle dance. She was really interested, so it was fun telling her. I told her about California and smashing David’s windows, and going to the Health Center. She thought my life was really interesting which is kind of fun for me.
After I got home I called Eve and told her the same story — looking at my life as though god had designed it. — and to my utter surprise, I woke up this morning feeling great. Will it last?
This journal entry was the basis for a blog post.
This is my journal entry for May 16, 2016
I came across some loose papers that have been lying around for a while. There was a page called “vocation” where I describe seeing my life as though God had designed it. This was back in January 2014. I describe this to Barbara and to Eve, and then when I told Karen, she told me that my feeling so good was different. That instead of rushing out to do something I was willing to be patient and wait for the right thing to come along. Reading this now, I feel grief and frustration. That was 2 1/2 years ago. It faded and I’ve been struggling ever since except for a few days here and there.
Thinking about my life as designed by Divine Process, I look at how things went after Journey. My severe depression after we made the movie and the performances were over. Reading the newspaper arts magazine about Journey and finding “National Depression Screening Day.” Went to Norwich, told I’m in severe depression. Laugh — if this is severe depression, I’ve been severely depressed my whole life. Go to Dr. Brunette (who actually said “Trauma before the age of 3”) but she prescribed Paxil and I went through a horrific experience. That led to the “Summer from Hell” and the turkeys, tranquilizer and return to depression. Lynelle recommended Dr. Rankin, a mood specialist, who said when she first saw me “I want you on Anti-depressant medication right away.” She found Char. I was so scared of trying a new medication, that when my local doctor prescribed zoloft and one other SSRI, I couldn’t take it more than a few days, I was too scared. I remember thinking that I needed someone who would talk to me every day for the first three weeks. Char actually did this. When I told her about continuing to take the paxil even though I was terrified out of my wits (I started hallucinating in the grocery store on the 5th day, and finally stopped) she said “And you wanted to be un-depressed so badly that you stuck with it that long.” I almost cried. All my friends had said “Why did you keep taking it?” like I was stupid. Char got me on imipramine. I found out what normal brain chemistry was like.
Meanwhile, the visit to Lydia in 1992, long before medication, and coming back saying “let’s build it” leads to Neskaya.
Normal brain chemistry leads to divorce which results in depression, but also learning about how our relationship was co-dependent, how Dana wasn’t the person I thought he was. Then a long time of struggle and pain. Dancing the Sacred Calendar and Caron Institute. Clare and NVC. A psychiatrist who prescribed a very expensive medication that it turned out was making me nauseous, and then took a leave of absence without giving me any backup. Stock market crash in 2008, breakdown, Karen found Dr. Seigel. Lynelle connects me with Somatic Experiencing, and I finally get to Caryn. Bella dies, abandonment triggered, Caryn says she is not trained to deal with attachment issues, recommends Erica. Opens up all the pain from infancy. At first I thought healing was in sight, but now I’m not so hopeful.
I had hoped writing this would cheer me up but it hasn’t. I feel very tired and apathetic.