I Surrender, My Life is Unmanageable

The last couple of days have been really tough.  When I finally accepted the suggestion that my medications needed to be checked, I fell down into the pit.  I didn’t realize how much I had been depending on medication to give me a platform from which to work on healing, until the idea of changing them had this effect.  I went into the totally hopeless and helpless place, I let go of all my practices, and I lost my hope of ever getting better.

Back to Step One again again.

OK lets see if I can find compassion for myself.  Here’s this woman who’s struggled all her life with despair and terror, depression and anxiety, sad and scared.  She recently had some good days and thought she was getting better.  But the good days have stopped and her depression has gotten a little scary.  She’s been imagining ways to die like “Maybe a drunk driver would oblige me..”  I think I’ve even been a little angry at her for quitting.

I tried reading Radical Acceptance, but it just seemed abstract.  I tried to find compassion for myself and couldn’t do it.  My heart’s like a stone.  Doing Nia, my lower back hurt.  I think that’s from not doing my stretches, and not walking.  I feel like I’ve been sending out pleas for help for a while now and getting nothing back.  I’m afraid I’m never going to get better, and I’m terrified to try new medication.

My session with Caryn was extremely difficult and painful.  What I learned was that crying didn’t help, banging my head against the wall didn’t help, there was absolutely nothing I could do to make myself feel better.  I think if I’m not going to get better, then I need to learn to have compassion for myself.  Without that, there really is no point in continuing the struggle to survive.

I left the session knowing that it didn’t do any good to quit, — really, the only possible way to quit is to die — that I couldn’t just lie around and do nothing, that I needed to keep following a routine, doing things that I know are good for me (walking, Nia, stretches) even though I don’t think that I will get any better.  I have to do them just to stay in the same place.  I have to make myself walk every day, even if I have to do it alone.  This is something I’ve been avoiding because of not wanting to push myself.  Well, it’s not the same as the old “push, push, push,” it’s not compulsive, it’s just keeping going through the blizzard as I’ve done before.  What’s the point?  Just to keep going, that’s the point.  No, it won’t make the world a better place, and it won’t help me get better, but at least it keeps me from getting worse, and it keeps me from putting out a lot of negative energy.  I suppose there are a lot of people out there doing their lives by rote, because they “have to.”  At least I am choosing to.

I’ve got the Tough Little Drip statue next to my clock where I see her when I look up from the computer.  I think she was lying down for a while, but now she’s up again.  “Now put your right foot forward, now put your left foot forward…”

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