(This was written in July 2008, just before I crashed really badly. I had been feeling so much better, and I thought I had “really gotten there” i.e. arrived at a place of health and strength. But I was actually on the threshold of the worst bout of PTSD ever. It took me over two years to recover.)
Another sad thing about reading from 1988 is I have so many good ideas for professional development: courses in Astronomy, Astrology, workshops, etc. that I’m unable to bring to fruition. The whole struggle with lethargy (physiological) vs. laziness (moral) that seems so silly painful and misguided in the light of an underfunctioning thyroid gland — Dana telling me I “didn’t want to enough” to overcome lethargy which was so painful and invalidating. Not something you would say, e.g., to a quadriplegic. What would have been validating for me to hear? Something like “obviously you care a lot, you really want this thing to happen, but your physiology is just not able to support you.” Would that have helped? Possibly a little, at least the validation of how much I cared and wanted. The failure to overcome the lethargy was due to lack of correct information not lack of will power.
The tendency to make myself wrong for everything, everything I felt, everything I experienced — learned from Mom & Dad and heavily impressed very early. Perhaps even impressed on a foundation of infant trauma, and infant misperception of being the center of the universe. Then reinforced by a culture that uses judgement and blaming to keep people in line. God! I am amazed and astounded that I got this far.
This other version of myself — not the dull cramped ugly one who’s not very practical and doesn’t have much to say — but the radiant priestess who leads the dance, and the warrior who champions the oppressed, and the compassionate one who can be present to other people’s very deep pain. It’s hard to believe that I could be her — but that’s who I really am. And at the same time I’m not that, I’m the imperfect vessel, the servant who does her best to do the work of the radiant one in this world. Accepting this, I don’t feel conceited at all, I feel humble and greatly honored.
I’m noticing increased anger — grounded, solid, totally without guilt anger — at Mom & Dad for what they did to me. Validated anger. What they did was wrong, and it damn near wrecked my life, and if I hadn’t been such a strong fighter, had such a clear vision of how my life was supposed to be, I wouldn’t be sitting here now, happy with my life and feeling sure the battle was worth it.