(Written in August 2009)
I started reading a book Lynelle got on interlibrary loan: Daniel Hughes “Building the Bonds of Attachment.” It’s a fictional account of “Katie” who was abused and neglected in her family of origin, and was so angry and manipulative that three sets of foster parents sent her back because she was impossible to live with. Finally she gets connected with a therapist and foster mother who’ve done some special training in a kind of “tough love”. They restrain Katie, and insist that she accept the consequences of her actions, but it’s done with real understanding and love. They also reflect back to her “You are really MAD because I wouldn’t give you a cookie,” and articulate her underlying feelings and sadness. I had a lot of feelings come up and trouble identifying them. I also was reading compulsively. I finally went to say something to Lynelle, knowing she had to leave soon. To her I managed to say I’m really jealous of how much effort the two adults make to try to understand Katie. “I was so GOOD! and nobody ever rescued me. Or made the effort to find out and validate what I was feeling inside.” Lynelle recommended I stop reading and she was right — it really was upsetting me. It reminds me of Agatha Christie’s story of her mother understanding her upset and inability to talk about it because of conflicting feelings. It also reminded me of the Montessori teacher and how she worked with children who were disruptive and destructive. At some point a therapist asked me if I could be the Montessori teacher to myself, and I knew just what to say to the destructive part of me “You don’t want to hurt other kids, you just want to be allowed to make a mess!”
Writing this, I’m feeling better. I’m aware of Little Jenny who is angry “You’ve been ignoring me!” and I say I’m so sorry, Sweetie, and she comes for a hug. Now I feel all warm inside.
I also feel as though I don’t have any connection to my adult self or to my wider life. I was thinking about the amount of pain Katie was in when she had only partly got that Jackie was a good mom — it was OK when she was in her presence, but she hadn’t internalized her yet. I feel a little like that. Just talked to Lynelle who said that book would bring up lots of feelings, and the weekend would be difficult anyway, I will be expected to be an adult and socialize—
When I got to Karen I cried, angry helpless crying. She gave me the boffer and I hit the chair opposite, saying things like “You wrecked my life!” But it didn’t feel very satisfying and I got tired and stopped. I felt the impulse to hurt myself. I told her about the story of Katie, and how self-abuse happened when she began to attach to Jackie, and she could self-regulate while in Jackie’s presence but not when she wasn’t there. I told her how it made me furious that Katie had two people willing to work hard to help her, and I had been so GOOD and nobody did that for me. I said I didn’t feel safe anywhere. Karen made the nest with pillows, she sat behind me and held me. That helped, I was able to relax. She said she thought I had been retraumatized by the book about Katie. I think it’s quite possible. When we had been in the nest for a while, she began making motions like time was up, and I said “What if I refuse to move? What if I’m bad like Katie?” and I wiggled around so I was solidly on her lap. She said “I’d love you” and I burst into tears.