Somatic Experiencing

(Written in May 2009)
Session with Caryn. Seated in my corner, I immediately started to cry, and writhe, and rage. I had such a desire to push it all through and be done with it. Caryn stopped me after a while and said I had a choice. “You have expressed lots of feelings — grief, frustration, rage — and you have been witnessed. You can choose to modulate the feelings, to break off a manageable portion and work with that.” She reminded me more than once that she was not asking me to stop the feelings. Put on the pause button, slow everything down, work with the pre-movement impulse. My fingers became claws wanting to rend and tear my stomach. Vision of bloody meat. Then I was rending and tearing something in front of me. I am a lioness and this is my kill and I will feed it to my cubs. So I stayed with the lioness for a while, feeling smooth, sinuous, strong, graceful. Then I wanted to rip off pieces of myself. Moving slowly I peeled off pieces of my legs and my stomach and threw them away. It was more like pulling off layers of mud than actually rending flesh. It felt good, like I was tearing off stuff that didn’t belong to me. Can’t remember exactly how it went on. I lay back and discharged very subtle shakes for a long time. At one point we walked around the room. Caryn said I had opened my eyes while working, that this was new, that I had “turned a corner,” that I was beginning to integrate the energy of the trauma with the present moment. Looking at her closet full of magical objects I said I had to use my venetian blinds so as not to be overwhelmed. She really liked the image. When we returned to the corner, we talked about ways that adult Jenny could better take care of Baby Jenny when she is feeling fragile and vulnerable. I told her I would not do things that were too scary for her, and that if something absolutely had to be done, then I would sit with her afterward. O yes, we had a dialogue about how I had forgotten the baby when I saw Caryn’s closet — but in fact I had remembered to use the venetian blinds to keep her from overwhelm. Ended the session feeling very good about the development in my relationship with Baby Jenny. And the fear I started with has pretty much faded as I write.
The wind is blowing outside and I’m feeling more exhilarated than scared! Hurray!