From my journal for September 12, 1997
Dream fragment: something about how I got out of depression by praising myself. “Out of depression and into an energy high!” !!
It seems to be working again. This time I’m more conscious and persistent about it. I know I need to build it into my life as a habit, not just use it until “I’m OK now” and then drop it. I don’t know why I think that once I’m OK I’m going to stay that way without further effort.
Yesterday was another good day. I worked at cleaning my altar triangle, waxed the chest, put new candles in the big candlesticks, restored Kuan Yin and the oil lamp to their places. I see that if I’m patient about these tasks, and take my time with them, I actually enjoy them. It’s the rush to get finished, to be “efficient” that spoils the fun.
I think I’m finally beginning to understand what DMA meant about receiving the results that you’re created. I think I’m finally beginning to be able to do that, and especially learning to praise myself for partial results, steps on the way to a larger goal. This is the bigger picture resulting from Dr. Rankin’s observation that cured the airplane phobia. So amazing. So maybe I’ve changed something important about the structure of my life. and it has another layer — I’m able to acknowledge and receive my ability to acknowledge and receive — just as I give thanks not only for the beautiful landscape I enjoy but also for the ability to enjoy it.
Yesterday, noticing my willingness to move slowly and patiently toward putting my altar back together, I see that this is what I’ve been wanting all along, to putter around the house, and to be able to enjoy it, which is something new. So this is new, a great gift, a great grace for which I thank god.
I notice that I don’t give being on an anti-depressant any credit for feeling so much better. My new ability to “enjoy” is at least partly because of the medication. Depressive brain chemistry makes it impossible to enjoy.