I didn’t write this in my writing group, I wrote it on February 9, 2022
Last night I was reading Composing a Life and she talked about how people could still maintain a relationship after divorce, and I thought about how hurt I was, and still am, at D’s complete rejection of me. I wonder about writing a letter. I don’t even have to send it.
The things you said that really hurt. You aren’t fun to cook for any more. I can’t live off my wife’s money. I’m supposed to feel sorry for B because the man she loves is married to someone else.
I wasn’t fun to cook for because I had to eat a very restricted diet due to systemic yeast. He started working on making concertinas because he “didn’t want to live off my wife’s money,” but he’d been living off mine for 18 years. He actually bought some very expensive things and justified it because I wasn’t able to be sexual with him. Or with anybody, due to PTSD, my default to activation is freeze. But we didn’t know that then.
You may have forgotten that, because I wanted you to be happy, I encouraged you to go see B, I never tried to stop the divorce, I gave you a very generous settlement. I was not hurt by the divorce, but I was very hurt by the way you cut off all friendship with me. I remember coming back to the house to get some of my things from the hut, and you came out as though to stop me with the coldest look on your face, like I was an enemy. That hurt far more than the divorce.
In fact his coldness wrecked all my feelings about having had a good relationship with him. There were times when I thought he was wise and helpful, I even thought he loved me, and maybe he did at first. But it must have ended a long time ago. I think maybe I never knew who he was.