A Place of Strength

from my journal for July 10, 1992

Since I’m planning to take a break from therapy for about six weeks, we talked about issues of separation from Mother.  I told Karen about V, and how I was not at all vulnerable to her ploys.  I think I must have just denied and invalidated my initial discomfort around her, buried it so quickly I didn’t even see it to deny it consciously.  (That talk with Lynn about her mother’s denial happened after Fiona’s death)  Karen said that first hit of discomfort is the truth, needs to be noticed and acknowledged, not swept under the rug of denial.  In talking to her I began to see much more clearly how I can’t do it for V — I can’t do it for mother — “it” being fix it for them, make it OK, make them feel alive.  They see that I have something they don’t have, and they want to suck it out of me, or get me to do it for them, and they don’t want to do what it takes to feel alive: namely look inside and face the pain.  And it’s real clear to me that nothing I can do would make any difference, not because I’m inadequate, or “selfish” or “don’t care”, but because they have to do it themselves.

Such a surprise to see myself claiming such authority to see what’s happening.  Looking back, I see that there were other things happening that supported my being able to see something my early experience taught me to ignore.  For one thing, I was able to talk to Lynn about her mother and she agreed with me.  V was NOT my mother, or my husband, or even my friend, so I had no need to preserve my relationship with her.  Also, at this time I had been doing Journey Into Courage for a couple of years: telling the truth about myself in front of an audience.  Finally, the sun crossing my Jupiter in Cancer in the eighth house of my astrology chart is a strong time for me.  Jupiter is expansion, the eighth house is collective resources, Cancer has to do with foundation and home.

Today the Sun crosses my Jupiter in Cancer in the Eighth.  We went over to the Neskaya land just to “touch base” as it were.  It felt very good.  I feel very glad of this project, and willing to be patient with the process, to spend as much time as it takes to do it right because this is a sacred building.

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