(Written in January 2003)
In a panic. Sitting here with a cup of tea to be with it. The usual breathless dissolving feeling in my upper body. It began when I couldn’t find the list. I kept telling myself there was nothing important on it — found it, and there isn’t. So then I guess I said “Now aren’t you stupid to get into a panic over that” which of course made the panic worse. It’s easing as I write about it.
ME: Dear Little Jenny, you were scared, weren’t you?
Little Jenny: Yes. I was afraid I’d forgotten something important.
ME: You didn’t trust yourself to remember?
L. J. NO. They were always angry at me, for something they expected that I didn’t know about.
ME and now here am I, getting angry at you for being scared. I’m so sorry. Your Mom did that to you a lot. First she had unreasonable expectations and that made you scared. You had a right to be scared: it’s very scary to be expected to do something & not know what it is & then when you didn’t do it she got angry. So then the next time it happened you were scared and she made you wrong for being scared. That was very unfair of her.
L. J. It was?
ME: YES. It was not at all fair to expect adult behavior from a little girl, to expect you to know things she hadn’t told you, and then get angry when you couldn’t perform.
L. J. (Big sigh)
ME: I tell you what, Little Jenny, I’ll be in charge of remembering what to do. It’s not your job at all. Let me take care of it. Sometimes things don’t get done because they weren’t on the list. That’s not your fault. And I may feel sad or annoyed that they didn’t get done — and that’s not your fault either. In any case, if something doesn’t get done it’s not the end of the world. I can handle it. And I’ll try to remember that you get scared in such situations and I’ll reassure you that it’s not your fault.
Little Jenny comes to hug me and cries. I hug her and say “There, there” and “I love you.”
