(Written in February 2009)
I spent a bit of time yesterday holding the baby doll, and telling her I won’t leave her, that her welfare is my top priority. She feels warm now, and sometimes being with her is comforting, I don’t feel alone. I’ve also been asking God to forgive me for the mistakes I’ve made, for whatever clinging to negativity, or cowardly refusal to do what I “should”. I don’t know of anything exactly, but I do know that I feel/think that I haven’t done a very good job of living my life. Asking for forgiveness is acknowledging that I’ve done badly instead of beating on myself for doing badly. The other way to look at it is that I’ve been much too hard on myself, had much too high expectations, driven and exhausted myself instead of treating myself with mercy and compassion. I suppose asking for forgiveness could help with that too. I have no idea which one is correct.
[Written on typing this entry about a month later: A sense of outrage rises up in me as I read this. I never held on to negativity, I only saw sometimes that what someone was suggesting would not work for me, but didn’t trust my own knowing. But since I’ve learned so much more about Post-traumatic Stress I can answer back when someone proposes “Just straighten up and smile and you’ll feel better.” No. I’m up against something bigger than that. And I have never “cowardly” refused to do what I “should”. Instead I have usually pushed myself unmercifully to do what I “should” and only this breakdown has and is showing me my true limits which are much smaller than I ever realized.]