(Written in January 2010)
When I got to Caryn’s I went to my corner and collapsed, saying I was exhausted. Then a cranky person appeared. I sat up, saying I was angry, pounded on things. Caryn said “What does your body want to do?” Pound on things. I ended up throwing a punch with my right arm. “Slow it down.” When I did I found that my whole body was involved, legs and butt and left arm. There was a solid sense of satisfaction, of something landing and connecting. Then we sat on cushions facing each other so I could be properly supported. Feeling how the bones of the pelvis make a stable base. She suggested I imagine the stars overhead and that they were pulling me up. She told me that a woman she was working with spent some time with the altar and really liked my Jizo figure, and suggested I imagine/feel the connection between us. What I felt/saw was a delicate thread like a spider web that connected me to the Jizo. I realized I never imagined it going to connect with the woman herself. Caryn talked about the “matrix,” the structure of space around me, that holds me up, and is filled with connections to other people. (I think of all the people I do the lovingkindness prayer for.) She talked about “core stability” and we did an exercise where I lay on the floor with my legs on a cube, then push down with one and raise the other and see what that does in my abdomen. She put her hands below my waist to show me the muscles that tighten around the body, squeezing the spine to strengthen it and make it longer. She said a strong physical core helps create a strong psychological one. I can’t always follow what she’s saying, but I trust that my body understands. Then she suggested that I “roll and pour” and get myself to standing and walk around. The cranky one said “no” so I rolled off the mat. The floor was slippery so I stretched out my legs, and then my knees swung around to the other side and I found it easy to sit up. Big surprise! How effortless it was. We talked about it. I think what’s happening is the “tough little drip” who used to soldier on, has decided to put her stubbornness into refusing to soldier on.
Caryn McHose is a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner in Holderness, NH