(Written in January 2009)
The session with Caryn was very helpful, though we had a little trouble at the beginning with her cell phone cutting out. I told her about the diagnosis of Bipolar 2 and how helpless & hopeless it made me feel. The phone actually cut out while I was telling her the story which made me laugh & let go of it. When we finally connected again we worked on resourcing: my butt on the couch, etc. I told her about asking for help and people being delighted — How does that feel in your body? — a sense of relaxation and warmth, a very subtle sense of being held. Also about being comfortable doing ordinary things with people I don’t know very well — which is different — I used to feel more like I did last night at the opening, depressed unless I was engaged in fairly intense conversation. Caryn said that my ability to receive the warmth, and to be comfortable doing ordinary things with ordinary people, was a sign of healing on a deep level. That I was beginning to connect with other people, instead of being lost in the intellect, in “Thought Land.” That doing ordinary things with ordinary people was a resource for me. When I was pretty thoroughly resourced, she suggested we return to the psychiatrist — immediate activation. Put her at a distance, put up half closed venetian blinds, still a little activated. Finally I made a strong wall and that cut her off. I told Caryn that the diagnosis made me feel like there was no way I could heal. Caryn said that was wrong, it was just her interpretation. Caryn saying there were signs that I am healing was more useful. With the doctor cut off, I worked on resourcing. Bits of activation came up, I gave them attention, they faded. Then there were some big VERY SLOW waves of something heavy tired discouraged and maybe a little fear. Staying with it my shoulders jumped a little and I started yawning. There began to be cold on the surface. Later the cold went deeper — it came in waves too, very slow ones. I began to feel extremely tired & finally let my torso bow over my knees. Then there began to be shaking, my whole upper body was shaking, but it was very subtle, I’m not sure it would have been visible to an observer. Caryn said this was discharge on a very deep level. It went on for a while. Finally the cold began to leave, very slowly, and we ended the session with me feeling pretty solid.
Caryn McHose is my trauma therapist. See her website.