(Written in March 2010)
Woke at 6:00 and got up. I don’t feel quite as tired as I usually do at first. 20° and a clear sky. Puttered around in the morning, did some typing, some straightening up the house, brought in loads of wood, took out compost, cut dog’s toenails (good for me!)
In the afternoon I went over to Neskaya to meet with Kayla and Nick (Barbara’s grandson) to talk about what we needed for our music system. Then dump run and walk dog at Fox Hill — I just got to the first tricky place and turned back. It was late and a little chilly. Then I went to town — to shop at the health food store and Co-op.
In the evening I started typing from this journal notebook, and reading a book, Dreamers of the Day, that Kayla had read and recommended.
O gosh it’s such a relief to feel OK. And to NOT feel the old push push push.
And nothing to say… In some ways I miss the drama of the struggle, but I wouldn’t want it back. I’m glad I have the project of the blog. My life also feels a little like the garden — let’s see what comes up when I stop forcing.
“Good for me!” is something I began to add when I managed to do something, no matter how ordinary, that’s hard to do when I’m either terrified or depressed. It’s part of my effort to feel better about myself. One unexpected result was I actually began to feel SATISFACTION when I did something. The old way was to feel “nobody yelled at me, and there are still 25 things to do…”