Somatic Experiencing

(Written in February 2011)
Went in to Caryn’s studio & demanded my corner so we set it up.  Told her about wanting to learn all about Elisabeth and considering that a sign of health.  Also about weathering two disappointments — the food I bought for Eleanor didn’t work, and the slide show still isn’t happening — but then being brought down by the House cutting the budget for Planned Parenthood.  I said I saw the parallel with my family — stupid unfairness and being helpless against it.  Then I had nothing to talk about, so I paid attention to my body.  Felt relaxed and comfortable.  Then maybe Caryn asked about integrating the negativity and I was reminded of that session with Kevin when I became a planet by accepting all the dark rigid parts, like mom & dad, as well as the more attractive parts of me.  She said “Can you feel that in your body now?” I saw that I could.  There was a lot of diversity, and the dark rigid pieces felt more like a community — yes! They have self-organized out of the chaotic group!  I don’t think I had got that far to tell Caryn.  Then I did some movement — mostly stretch, on the floor.  She said she saw an organism expanding, but not defensively.  So then, remembering the feeling I had come in with, I curled into painful tense postures, then kicked & punched which felt good.  We talked about the question how did I weather the two disappointments on Friday only to be felled by politics on Saturday?  Who knows?  It’s probably a number of factors, whether I’m feeling strong or vulnerable, etc.  I can see that I’m more resilient, I know I can call a friend, like I called Bobbi after S crashed me.  Caryn recapitulated all the work I had done to get to this place.  That was good, I could feel it as a strong foundation.  I told her part of my anger at the House for trashing Planned Parenthood came from knowing some facts: the Freakonomics connection of reduction in crime with Roe vs. Wade, and Bessel VanderKolk’s story of the study in which the babies whose mothers had been “visited” did not produce as high a percentage of criminals as those who weren’t visited.  At one point my mind started to wander off to the horrors Barbara Kingsolver tells about, and then I pulled myself back — in fact perhaps pulled myself back to state these data that contradict the vote of the House.  I also talked about non-linearity, which is always a comfort when I imagine the Republican onslaught continuing to build without resistance.