(Written in May 2009)
Last night when I got home I just felt completely exhausted and discouraged. I’m so tired of trying to remember all the things I need to keep doing to heal, and I don’t know if any of these things are actually helping. Last night I just felt so despairing that I quit trying, spent the evening reading Lord of the Rings.
Why do I care if people know how I feel? I do want people to know how I feel, not so they will feel sorry for me, but so they will forgive me for not doing better with my life. I guess it’s really me who needs to forgive me for not doing better with my life. Why do I wish I had done better with my life? So people would admire me and think I was special? The irony is there are a lot of people who admire me and think I’ve done something wonderful in building and maintaining Neskaya. But it doesn’t touch me, I can’t take it in. And I didn’t do it for them anyway, or to prove something to my parents. I did it for the dances, which I love, for the sacred calendar, for the sacred dimension of the world.
So before whom do I feel like a failure? Before Spirit. Spirit gave me this life, and a set of talents and a lot of creativity — and I haven’t begun to live the life — wide, wild, creative — that should have sprung from these roots. On the other hand, I was badly wounded, damaged at the beginning, in such a way that living my creative life was impossible. I’ve had to fight for it every step of the way, fighting internalized voices that tell me that expressing myself is wicked and/or worthless. I haven’t been able to bring the creative seed into full flower. Could I have done it? Spirit remains silent. I think I should have done better, should have worked harder to heal… But it’s taken everything I’ve got to get this far. And I’m exhausted. I haven’t got the energy to keep doing things that might help. It would probably be good if I could do yoga, but right now I can’t do it without the support of a teacher and a class.
What was I supposed to have done? What could I have done differently? I tried so many different things, that didn’t help, or helped a little but then stopped working. I could have gone on medication sooner, but given my resistance to using drugs because of my parents’ alcoholism, it was really unlikely. I could have tried Somatic Experiencing sooner — but I didn’t realize I had been traumatized. It took me quite a long time to believe it. And I had seen the ad for the tape set in Sounds True which said “get better without years of expensive psychotherapy”, and I was suspicious because I had tried other “quick roads”: NLP, the auditory training, healers that others recommended, which didn’t work. So what could I have done differently? Worked harder, been more disciplined… That inner voice has pushed me all my life to “soldier on” in the service of some impossible ideal, and some illusion that I could actually do more than I’m really able to do. Perseverance is needed for Somatic Experiencing it’s true, but pushing and striving don’t work.
What is really needed to heal from these kinds of wounds is gentleness and patience, and I’m not very good with those, despite years of Karen’s repeating and modeling the words. Well, at least I don’t feel like I messed up my life with conscious choices — or even unconscious ones. There must be a lot of people out there with huge regrets — If only I hadn’t done X or Y or Z. At least I don’t have that.
I finally asked Spirit “Do you forgive me?” and Spirit said “of course” with a lot of warmth. So I’m the one who’s having a hard time forgiving me. I should have known what to do and then done it. I should have figured out the right thing. Instead I stumbled around, struggling with anxiety and depression, desperately trying to find someone to love me and choosing men who didn’t want to commit, desperately trying to prove I deserved to live.
So I’m really angry at myself for not doing better. I’m angry at myself for not being able to go out and work in the garden on this beautiful day. Or even haul in loads of wood. I was able to work in the garden when I got back from the good session with Caryn. I was at least able to hang out with Linda while she worked in the garden. I wasn’t able to do much. I am truly doing the best I can. Here come the tears and the sadness. I simply haven’t got what it takes to do more, my moral and physical energy has collapsed. Perhaps that’s from soldiering on to get a lot done yesterday.
So do I forgive myself for not doing better? Yes. The truth is I don’t have enough support. I don’t have enough friends who are willing to accept me as I am, and spend time with me, do grief work with me, feed me. I do have Janet, Linda, Pat, Ann, and Randi. Beverly is too far away, Lynelle has enough on her plate already. Doing this really deep emotional work doesn’t leave much energy for the surface practical level. I’m barely hanging on.