(Written in January 2009)
I feel like my courage and strength have been broken by this last ordeal, that I have been unable to bear the magnitude of the pain entrusted to me. I think well there are lots of others who have collapsed under pain that was unbearable. I’m just trying to manage a jarred mechanism of body & nervous system that makes it hard to cope. There are lots of other people out there struggling with mental illness, some hospitalized some not. I think of Louise, also struggling with bipolar and with PTSD, and with much worse heavy metal poisoning. And Eleanor. And Randi. And I am pitying myself, and also judging myself for not doing better.
Yes, I’m feeling ashamed that it’s being so hard just to keep going. I realize I’ve been imagining that what I’m up against is much bigger than what other people are up against — because of the way the infancy state gets triggered — but that’s not true. I’m sure there are people out there whose lives are harder than mine — Eleanor for example — and people whose lives are easier — I think of Janet and Kayla who’ve both been depressed but come out of it pretty quickly. I wish that thinking of other people who are having a hard time brought a sense of fellowship as it has in the past, but it doesn’t. Instead I feel like there’s no one left to help me, and I really need all the help I can get. It’s also true that there’s no way I can compare my inner experience with someone else’s. OK. one day at a time. loving kindness.
Signs that I am doing better
Able to get out & exercise
Fixing & eating decent meals
Sleeping OK
Being able to act cheerful when I don’t feel it.
Feeling better after spending some low key time with someone e.g. Janet
Calling people for help, and just asking for company snowshoeing or for a cup of tea.